Heavy on my mind…Light in my heart

Can’t explain it…well if one thinks about it in a logical way, I could. But that’s the point. It’s not a logical matter. It is an emotional matter that always tugs at the very heart of me and shakes up my soul. Churns my feelings into a ball of confusion and the only way to wrap them up is to let them flow away from me in a river of tears.

That’s what it does to me at the oddest moments. I can go for days and weeks with thoughts of my Granny in my head and on my lips hundreds of times in one day. I can speak her name and smile at memories, or shake my head upon reminiscing her sarcastic voice and mother wit. My children, too, can talk endlessly about their memories sounding off a joyous melody of car riding conversation.

But then it always happens. Moments like today when I am browsing cards for Mother’s Day. In the store I’d already picked out a card for my momma. A careful selection because I know she loves well-intended, special words. So I’d taken my time looking for her perfect one. But then out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of the grandmother section. There were more cards there than any other…more than for mothers and sisters, more than aunts and friends. And instantly I missed her so badly. Emotions pushing their way up to my throat where I had to stifle a moan. Tears springing in my eyes, I had to hold my head down dare a stranger ask me what was wrong, then I’d really lose it and probably start slobbering and crying my eyes out. So I ignored the Grandmother cards as best I could…backed out of the aisle.

Sadness followed me as I drove home. Hung out with me and forced me to think of that sad time five Mother’s Day weekends ago when I got the call on a Thursday that something was terribly wrong. Rushed to the hospital, she’d hadn’t said a coherent word for hours, but then she did. To me! She recognized ME! Said MY name! Told me something that still haunts me, said, “Keisha, death came to me.”

But it was my response, and where it came from I’ll never know, but someone pushed the words out of my mouth and I heard myself saying, “Yeah, it did. But it passed you by ‘cause it’s not your time. You’re still here.” Still I feel it a little, but I shake this sadness off. Because if it passed by when it wasn’t time, surely that time and the next were the right times for God’s will. I know that. Faith, the faith she taught me by example, makes me a firm believer in that.

86 years is nothing to sneeze at. That is a life of living! So I’m grateful. My Granny lived through bad times and good times. But you’d never hear her tell of the bad. If she did, it wasn’t in a woe-is me kind of way. She laughed at sorrow and hurt. A woman who lost her husband while still raising young children. Matriach of a large brood, single handedly nurturing and giving and loving with all that she had. Losing a baby girl, majority of friends and peers left this earth before she did. She coud’ve played the victim, but that was something I never ever witnessed.

Though I’ve been guilty of wrapping myself up in the garments of the victim robe once or twice, I think it is quite unfair to wear it in her honor. Dishonorable is what it would be, because I know she has left her mark on me and is still the life of our family. I can hear her care in my mother’s voice and watch her family honor in my mother’s love. That’s what Granny’s are for, to pass down the love and traditions so the generations can tell the story and keep the love going…passing it on. And it is being passed on for sure. We’ve not been this whole and full of love and appreciation for one another in many many years. The honor is there, and I know it’s because of her.

So Granny, although you’re not here this Mother’s Day, I always have you in spirit and for that I’ll just say, Thank you, Lord! I won’t complain.

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2 Comments »

  1. Anitra Reed Said:

    As I sit here reading this with tears rolling down my face, not tears of sadness but tears of thankfulness, for having this woman as my mother. I, like you Keisha go through days of thinking about her talking about her and yes still missing her I can be at work listening to my music and on comes “I won’t Complain and I cry. She would be so proud of us the way we stick together and I know she is smiling at the beautiful words you have written in her honor. Happy Mothers day to you.! Love you

  2. Barry Sewell Said:

    That was beautiful


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